Is money a glue or wedge to your relationship?
By James Abola
It is said that love is blind but some wealthy people go into marriage with one eye open, to watch their money. A prenuptial agreement is usually signed before the knot is tied so that if, or when, the marriage comes to an end the person with more money escapes with enough to start all over again. In Uganda the excitement of elections has briefly pushed the domestic relations bill (DBR) into the back banner. A key issue in the DBR is control over assets between husbands and wives.
Disagreements that lead to the dissolution of a marriage lie on the extreme end of the spectrum but even more stable relationships still suffer from money induced or related tensions. With the advent of laws requiring public officials to declare their assets, is it of any use for people intending to marry or those already married to institute an asset declaration policy, as well, so that all earnings first go through a joint account? How about the vexed question of budget control, who among the couple should have the final say about domestic expenditure?
I am pointedly addressing married couples but they are not the only people who have to grapple with sharing financial resources. It is not uncommon for single working African adults to continue living with their parents, relatives or friends which again brings up the issue of shared finances. If you are neither married nor living in a shared household, still urge you to hang on the sheet and read on because you will one day be in that position. To some money is the glue that keeps relationships together while to others it is a wedge that divides relationships.
Money is cited as a factor in 90 percent of divorces in America. Uganda does not have much data concerning divorce but it is not farfetched to say financial matters strain or snap many marriages. It is important to keep in mind that money is both a relational and a decision oriented issue. The process, a couple or household goes through deciding how to spend money is perhaps more important than the expenditure itself. Many times people focus on the purpose of the expenditure and do not understand why there should be disagreement or tension when the purpose is or seems to be noble.
Money conflicts between spouses begins with their past. Much has been said about the toothpaste squeezing habits of couples or the socks washing and keeping habits of men but little attention is paid to the financial management habits that partners bring into their marriages. One fact about personal financial management is that it is something not taught in schools. As result most men and women get into marriage while managing money in their own way and assume that their way is the best.
It is prudent for couples to allow room for examination of how each partner manages money and pick the best from both parties in order to enrich their marriages and also grow their wealth. There are five processes that need to be examined when making money decisions in a marriage or any relationship.
Understanding the facts
This requires observation and experience. A husband comes home excited after paying a deposit to purchase the plot of land he saw the previous week. His wife does not share his joy because she is still trying to understand the facts relating to the transaction. To even matters we could substitute the land deal with the furniture purchase the wife made three months earlier, the husband only came to know about it when the delivery truck pulled up at the door. The husband’s less than enthusiastic reception of the chairs was because he needed more time to understand the facts.
Know what the possibilities are
It usually is a mistake to think that there is only one solution to a money question. It is valuable that couples examine various possibilities. The difficulty usually is that while one party wants to take forever examining endless possibilities another is satisfied with one possibility and will not want to spend even a second more looking at others. A middle point is good in this situation.
Consider the impersonal consequences
These are the aspects that can be analyzed and prioritized. In a marriage one partner might be the more gifted in analyzing and prioritizing while the other is usually following their heart. Expenditure items can be cast in three categories: needs, wants and desires which can help in postponing current gratification in order to save and invest for the future. Should the couple buy a plot of land now or invest in mutual funds and buy a developed property after 5 years?
Consider the personal consequences for yourself and others.
This calls for sympathy and empathy. The couple agreed in principle to acquire a new set of chairs for the sitting room. The wife went searching and after finding a good set withdraws her personal savings to purchase it. A bit of sympathy and empathy from the husband who only sees the set as the delivery van draws to the door could be very useful. On the hand the wife could have helped a great deal by keeping her husband posted on her search.
Is it best to decide immediately or to continue gathering more information
A renowned real estate dealer employs what he terms the 100:10:3:1 rule. This means he looks at 100 properties, submits bids for 10 of them, receives responses from 3 of the sellers and ends up buying one. At times it is better to postpone the transaction and continue gathering information.
Which reminds me, in case you were reaching for the prenuptial agreement when you starting reading this piece, how about gathering more information from a counselor concerning the financial conflicts in your marriage?
It is said that love is blind but some wealthy people go into marriage with one eye open, to watch their money. A prenuptial agreement is usually signed before the knot is tied so that if, or when, the marriage comes to an end the person with more money escapes with enough to start all over again. In Uganda the excitement of elections has briefly pushed the domestic relations bill (DBR) into the back banner. A key issue in the DBR is control over assets between husbands and wives.
Disagreements that lead to the dissolution of a marriage lie on the extreme end of the spectrum but even more stable relationships still suffer from money induced or related tensions. With the advent of laws requiring public officials to declare their assets, is it of any use for people intending to marry or those already married to institute an asset declaration policy, as well, so that all earnings first go through a joint account? How about the vexed question of budget control, who among the couple should have the final say about domestic expenditure?
I am pointedly addressing married couples but they are not the only people who have to grapple with sharing financial resources. It is not uncommon for single working African adults to continue living with their parents, relatives or friends which again brings up the issue of shared finances. If you are neither married nor living in a shared household, still urge you to hang on the sheet and read on because you will one day be in that position. To some money is the glue that keeps relationships together while to others it is a wedge that divides relationships.
Money is cited as a factor in 90 percent of divorces in America. Uganda does not have much data concerning divorce but it is not farfetched to say financial matters strain or snap many marriages. It is important to keep in mind that money is both a relational and a decision oriented issue. The process, a couple or household goes through deciding how to spend money is perhaps more important than the expenditure itself. Many times people focus on the purpose of the expenditure and do not understand why there should be disagreement or tension when the purpose is or seems to be noble.
Money conflicts between spouses begins with their past. Much has been said about the toothpaste squeezing habits of couples or the socks washing and keeping habits of men but little attention is paid to the financial management habits that partners bring into their marriages. One fact about personal financial management is that it is something not taught in schools. As result most men and women get into marriage while managing money in their own way and assume that their way is the best.
It is prudent for couples to allow room for examination of how each partner manages money and pick the best from both parties in order to enrich their marriages and also grow their wealth. There are five processes that need to be examined when making money decisions in a marriage or any relationship.
Understanding the facts
This requires observation and experience. A husband comes home excited after paying a deposit to purchase the plot of land he saw the previous week. His wife does not share his joy because she is still trying to understand the facts relating to the transaction. To even matters we could substitute the land deal with the furniture purchase the wife made three months earlier, the husband only came to know about it when the delivery truck pulled up at the door. The husband’s less than enthusiastic reception of the chairs was because he needed more time to understand the facts.
Know what the possibilities are
It usually is a mistake to think that there is only one solution to a money question. It is valuable that couples examine various possibilities. The difficulty usually is that while one party wants to take forever examining endless possibilities another is satisfied with one possibility and will not want to spend even a second more looking at others. A middle point is good in this situation.
Consider the impersonal consequences
These are the aspects that can be analyzed and prioritized. In a marriage one partner might be the more gifted in analyzing and prioritizing while the other is usually following their heart. Expenditure items can be cast in three categories: needs, wants and desires which can help in postponing current gratification in order to save and invest for the future. Should the couple buy a plot of land now or invest in mutual funds and buy a developed property after 5 years?
Consider the personal consequences for yourself and others.
This calls for sympathy and empathy. The couple agreed in principle to acquire a new set of chairs for the sitting room. The wife went searching and after finding a good set withdraws her personal savings to purchase it. A bit of sympathy and empathy from the husband who only sees the set as the delivery van draws to the door could be very useful. On the hand the wife could have helped a great deal by keeping her husband posted on her search.
Is it best to decide immediately or to continue gathering more information
A renowned real estate dealer employs what he terms the 100:10:3:1 rule. This means he looks at 100 properties, submits bids for 10 of them, receives responses from 3 of the sellers and ends up buying one. At times it is better to postpone the transaction and continue gathering information.
Which reminds me, in case you were reaching for the prenuptial agreement when you starting reading this piece, how about gathering more information from a counselor concerning the financial conflicts in your marriage?
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